If I had the opportunity, I would talk to anyone who would listen about the gift of adoption. After we adopted our son, we went back and spoke to awaiting families about our adoption process at the agency we adopted through. It was a great way to share our story and talk to others who are going through the same process you did. I would check with your agency to see if they have any sort of support groups or education groups you could attend to talk about your story.

Once you are comfortable talking to people about adoption, expand your audience. Maybe you could talk to your church about speaking with others who are going through adoption or are thinking about adoption. We have attended a few different churches lately that have foster care and adoption support groups. This is a great opportunity to host an information meeting about adoption with members from the church. If it is a success, it would be a great opportunity to open up the group to the public. Not only will it be a great opportunity to teach others about adoption but you could also invite them to church.

Depending on where you work and your work environment, this could also be a great place to educate people on adoption. If you work in a larger company, you may be able to hold education groups as I mentioned above. If you work in a smaller company, you may be able to develop a closer relationship with your co-workers and talk to them about adoption as well. Similarly, depending on the size of the community you live in, you could also start an educational group in your community. If you live in a community that has an adoption agency, you may be able to connect with them to share your story and educate more people about the gift of adoption.

The best way to educate your friends about adoption is to simply talk with them about it. If they have questions, be willing to be open and honest with them about adoption. Be an advocate for what has touched your heart.

The post How Can I Teach My Friends About Adoption? appeared first on Adoption Magazine | Article, Adoptive Families, Parenting.

Many people still think of adoption as finished once the baby is home. In an open adoption, that is not the case. Adoptive parents and child will have a relationship with the birth mom and possibly birth family for the rest of their lives. It is a marathon, not a sprint. This is one marathon I’m actually willing and happy to run. So, what does our triad look like? I can tell you the snapshot of right this moment, but that wasn’t what it looked like two years ago and that probably won’t be what it looks like in another five. There have been more first meetings of people in our families than I anticipated. It is still special. We didn’t have all the family on both sides meet in the hospital and then part ways forever.

Our son, Joseph just turned three. Last night we had my husband’s parents meet Joseph’s birth grandfather for the first time. We didn’t plan a three-year timeline, that’s just how it happened. We met Joseph’s whole birth family on his birth mom’s side when he was two. I nearly threw up on the way there from anxiety. It is stressful to meet people who have had such an impact on your life, yet you’ve never seen in real life. That visit went fine. Nothing remotely bad happened. As for Joseph’s birth father’s side, again, nothing was planned but it so happened that it felt the time to meet when he was just over two. My parents still haven’t met any of the birth family. That’s what our open adoption looks like as of today.

It seems we eased into everyone meeting over the last three years, but it doesn’t have to go that slowly. We would have met people earlier. We weren’t keeping Joseph away, it just sort of worked out like that. No matter what, our first priority is his birth mom. Those first two years were really focused on arranging emails and visits with her. It was much harder than I thought when we didn’t see her. Especially in the beginning. Of course, we met prior to birth a few times and then had a meeting about two weeks after birth. After that, we didn’t see her until Joseph was about eight months old. This is not uncommon. We respect her and she knows the ball is in her court and we are always available. I think exchanging emails and knowing Joseph was ok was enough to keep her going. She was busy finishing high school. Some birth moms want more contact, some want less. Each person is unique and there is no “right amount” of contact.

More first meetings are happening tomorrow. We are going to meet birth mom’s new baby for the first time. He is two months old. Another extended family member and Joseph’s half-brother. We’ve seen pictures and I do see Joseph in him, which is cool. Our triad and story may seem complex, but probably more so to outsiders than to us. It’s our story and it is good.

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1. Educating others: There are a great many negative myths and ideas surrounding adoption. It clouds what can be a beautiful way to become a family in a scary light. Because of stories on the news, and old-timey ideas that being adopted is shameful and something to be hidden there is often negativity surrounding the idea.
2. Protect the dignity of the child and the families involved: A child isn’t something to be “given away” like a stray dog found in the yard. However, sometimes more dignity seems to be given to the stray than a child in need of a home. Biological parents are no more “real” than adoptive parents. A biological parent can choose adoption as a path for their child if they are fearful they cannot provide for emotionally or financially, but they do not “give them away”. 
3. To avoid shaming a child unintentionally: Telling a child “You’re so lucky your parents adopted you” sends a message that can cause shame and confusion. There is loss involved in an adoption that children cannot reconcile easily. They may not feel lucky to have been abused, taken from their homes in the night by a caseworker, put into foster care, had parental rights terminated to them, and waiting in foster care until an adoptive family was found. We as the adoptive parents are very much the lucky ones in this scenario in that we get to be the soft place to land for a child we love. If you want to compliment a family you could say something like “You have a beautiful family” and leave it at that.

In short, the language we use in all things carries weight. Most people use negative adoption language unintentionally. Before I was a mom I asked a mom friend if she had any “real” kids, meaning biological kids. She gently but firmly made me aware of my error and why it mattered and I can blush to my toes if I think too hard on it today. It does matter. These children and families deserve dignity and respect. All families involved, even, and especially birth families that made an adoption plan for their children when they realized they wouldn’t be able to parent as well as they wanted to.  

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We live in a society where information is easily accessible. No longer is it necessary to only rely on word of mouth or trying to find information using a phone book and a telephone when searching for any given topic, adopting a child included.

In starting our own search, my husband and I talked to members in both of our extended families who have added children into their families through the aid of adoption; their stories much different than our own, they only had a limited few choices. Things were very different back 30 years ago – information was difficult to come by as were options. Today we are fortunate that, when adding a baby into a family, we have the opportunity to choose a direction which works best for us individually.

The Adoption Agency – Regardless of where you live, odds are there are a handful of adoption agencies close to you. An adoption agency is an organization that matches families who want to start a family with birth parents who are considering relinquishing their child using the adoption process. Typically agencies have counselors who work with both sides of the adoption – the family looking to adopt and the birth parents who are considering placing their child for adoption. In using an agency, there are options to have an open adoption, semi-open or closed. Some agencies offer local adoption options while others may offer nationwide and/or international options. Finding the right match for you is essential when choosing this route.

Attorney Based Adoptions – Another option to consider when looking to add a child into a family is working with an adoption-based attorney who specializes in matching birth parents and adoptive parents together, similar to what an adoption agency can do but on a much smaller scale. This route can be more costly than other options. 

Frozen Embryo Adoption Agencies – This process offers the option of using a third party’s frozen embryos. It is a process which allows families with remaining frozen embryos to donate them to a family wishing to start a family. It requires implantation of the embryo into the female and can offer the opportunity for the adopting family to experience pregnancy and childbirth.

Fostering First – It is possible for some families to add a child they are fostering into their own family through adoption. Typically the foster family cares for the child during a term, however in some instances, parental rights are permanently terminated by the court, and the child can be formally adopted.

The Personal Connection – Typically not as common as some of the other methods, though still an opportunity to adopt a child, is a personal connection. The friends and family of the party interested in starting a family may also know someone who is considering placing their child for adoption or may know someone who knows someone else looking to connect with a forever family. Once both parties agree that they wish to pursue the experience, they can start to work together and decide the best path to proceed. 

While making the decision to adopt a child is exciting, finding the right method to make that happen is just as important. Take time to talk to family members and friends about their adoption experiences and to research your options carefully and thoroughly. Make sure to ask a lot of questions with whatever organization or group you choose before you make the decision that best fits your emotional and financial needs, knowing at the end of the adoption process you’ll be starting another beautiful chapter in your life.

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As the years went by, I met my husband, got married, started a successful career and built a life for myself as a professional married woman. I was upfront with my husband about my physical limitations when we became more seriously involved and he was okay with the fact that we would not be able to have children; having children wasn’t important to either of us. But after we had been married for several years each of us came to the realization that something was missing.

He was the first the bring up the topic of starting a family knowing that I would not be able to carry a pregnancy of my own. At first mention, I was opposed to the idea. I’d built my career and I didn’t have that maternal pull that some women do. I was focused and determined on my career and having a child didn’t fit into the picture. It was possible that the news I had been given earlier in life about my inability to carry a pregnancy I had put the idea of being a parent out of my mind completely, but once he planted that seed…I started to think about becoming a parent.

The topic of having a child eventually became a topic I was willing to discuss. My life was good but it felt empty, my husband and I both felt the same way. After a few years and many long conversations about starting a family, I finally agreed to look at our options; I remained hesitant about every aspect of it but agreed to the idea of looking into the possibility.

Initially, my husband did the majority of the research as I was still on the fence about the idea of becoming a parent. He’d send information to me about our options on long, in-depth emails or we’d spend countless hours in deep discussion about what he’d found. When he mentioned an option that was agreeable to us both, I’d agree to meet to hear what they had to say. The more he did the research, the more the topic became a center of the conversation, and the more I started to warm up to the idea until I made the decision on my own…I wanted to be a parent. 

Up until that point I had only myself and our pets to consider. My life was very carefree and uninhibited with restrictions or outside responsibility; I had taken the time to do the things that had once been important to me. But the more I started to look at my life, where I had been, where I was headed, the emptiness grew stronger very quickly. Eventually, we came to the decision together that we wanted to start a family, and because of my physical limitations, adoption was our only option. We never hesitated over the idea of adoption for an instant. We knew that if we wanted to have children in our lives it would have to be with the assistance of adoption; it was a non-issue.

Compared to other families that we knew who also adopted, our journey ran about as typical as they come. We did our research, we found the right fit, we were matched with an incredible adoption counselor and 13 months later we were granted the best gift life has ever given us… a baby girl.

At the moment we decided to have a family, my life changed completely, every single aspect of it. My career and professional aspirations suddenly had no significant importance compared to raising a child; my primary focus became being the best mother I could be. 

Our journey took a while to get started, to hit the point where we made the decision to become parents, but there hasn’t been one second of my life as a mother that I’ve ever regretted my decision. My daughter is my world, she is my center, my life, my entire universe, and I would do anything within my power to protect her and give her everything I can to ensure her happiness and safety. She is my angel and I honestly can’t imagine what my life would be without having her to brighten my everyday. Not only did adoption grant us the most precious gift of all in my daughter, but it also changed my life in its entirety for the better.

The post How We Came to the Decision About Adoption appeared first on Adoption Magazine | Article, Adoptive Families, Parenting.

1. “Born not from our flesh but born in our hearts, you were longed for and wanted and loved from the start.” – Unknown
2. “God knew that it doesn’t matter how your children get to your family. It just matters that they get there.”  – Kira Mortenson
3. “Some things are worth the wait.” – Unknown
4. “Adopting one child won’t change the world; but for that child, the world will change.” – Unknown
5. “Families don’t have to match. You don’t have to look like someone else to love them.”  – Leigh Anne Tuohy
6. “A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” – Jody Landers
7. “I’m in love with a child I haven’t met yet.” – Unknown 
8. “Family is not defined by our genes. It is built and maintained through love.”  -Unknown
9. “A hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove, but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.” – Forest E. Witcraft
10. “Love makes a family.” -Unknown
11. “You may not have my eyes or smile, but from that very first moment you had my heart.” – Kathy R. Jeffords
12. “He is mine in a way that he will never be hers. He is hers in a way that he will never be mine. And, together, we are motherhood.” -Desha Wood
13. “Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone. But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute you didn’t grow under my heart but in it.” – Anna Grace 
14. “Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.” -Oprah Winfrey
15. “I was chosen. I was wanted. I was cherished. I grew in their hearts. I was the missing piece. I was loved. I was adopted.” -Unknown

These quotes can be so encouraging to those in the trenches of the adoption process, whether it be wrestling with the decision to submit an application to an agency, or deciding whether their adopted child needs to go into a group home for kids with behavior disorders due to trauma. I hope that these quotes find you where you are, lift you up back into the light, and strike hope into your heart.

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This first list is from the perspective of two birth mothers. The second set is from the perspective of two adoptive parents. Let us know what truths you would add to these lists from your own perspective.

Birth Mothers’ Point of View

1. Adoption is a hard thing to do.
2. Adoption is really hard.
3. Adoption is extremely hard.
4. Adoption is heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, and excruciatingly painful.
5. Adoption is experiencing an unmeasurable amount of love for a tiny little person.
6. Saying the initial “goodbye” to your child isn’t for the weak. The experience will make or break you.
7. If you have a good support group, it does make it easier to get through the placement process.
8. It’s a traumatic experience.
9. Some birth moms will say that placing their child for adoption is similar to the death of a baby, and they will go through the five stages of grieving. 
10. Every adoption is different.

Adoptive Parents’ Point of View

1. Adopting is a beautiful gift that allows others the opportunity to be parents, that might otherwise not have the chance.
2. Adoption gives even more people a chance to love the adopted child.
3. It’s a roller coaster of emotions.  So many ups and downs.
4. It’s hard to watch the birth parent say goodbye to the child they just gave birth to.  
5. The adopted child, will at some point need their birth parent(s) to help them understand, everything.
6. Open adoptions can be beautiful if done with boundaries.  
7. Open communication, between birth and adoptive parents, is essential.
8. It’s one of the hardest things, but also one the most rewarding things you’ll ever do.
9. You will absolutely love your adopted child just as much as your biological child.
10. An agency isn’t necessary for all adoptions. With social media and a good attorney, domestic adoptions can be easier and more affordable. But if you need one, there is an excellent one here. 

*This list compiles views of ONLY the birth and adoptive parents I spoke with.

The post 20 Statements About Adoption That Are 100% True appeared first on Adoption Magazine | Article, Adoptive Families, Parenting.

“How much did he/she cost?”

“Why didn’t you have your own kids?”

“Are your children real siblings?”

If you’re an adoptive parent, it’s only a matter of time before you get asked a nosy and too-personal question about your child.

Most mean well, but their questions are frustrating just the same. People who have had biological children don’t have to answer any questions about how much their medical bills were, or whether they had to undergo fertility treatments to conceive. Why should parents who have adopted have to answer invasive questions?

The answer is you shouldn’t, but you’ll likely get them anyway. So the next time you’re confronted with nosy adoption questions, stay cool. Swallow your anger. And remember these four phrases for answering nosy questions that are guaranteed to steer the conversation in a direction you are comfortable with.

Phrase 1- If you’re in the mood to educate: “Why do you ask?”

Responding with a question allows you to try and get the petitioner to articulate why they might be asking. If they have a legitimate reason for asking the question, you’ve now understood their position and can possibly share a little bit about your adoption experience in the hopes of educating that person. If the asker doesn’t have a reason, or it’s not a good one to you, you can simply choose to politely end the conversation and walk away.

Phrase 2 – If you’re offended: “I’d rather not talk about that.” 

It’s okay to let even a well-meaning person know that their question has missed the mark and offended you. The reality is that we are all entitled to our privacy, and even if we look noticeably different than our children, that doesn’t mean it’s anyone else’s right to have a peek inside our lives or question our family. It’s possible that the asker didn’t realize how offensive or insulting her question was, so you can enlighten him or her in a polite manner. A simple and straightforward statement that is right to the point and leaves no room for the person who asked it to ask anything else. 

Phrase 3 – If you’re feeling frustrated: “That’s a private, family matter.”

Let’s face it. No matter how much we wish the world would just wake up and realize that families come in all shapes and sizes, there are days when we just don’t want to be the kind educator who helps someone realize that. Some adoptive families just want to be with our kids and be left in peace. So on those days, instead of being mean, try being funny. If you really want to make an impression, glance around before you answer like you’re checking to make sure no one is watching.

Phrase 4 – If you’re feeling really annoyed at the intrusiveness of the question: “Great weather we’re having, isn’t it?”

Really any random question will do as a response. Your goal is to change the subject immediately before you let loose on the other person, so keep your response to a single question that’s generic and vague, something like the weather or a holiday. In parenting world, there is always a holiday that you’re in the midst of preparing for at any given time. 

The most important thing to remember is the feeling of your child as all of this is going on, assuming the child is within earshot when a question is asked. No matter which of the four above approaches you take, make sure that you take a minute to follow up with your children when the exchange is over to make sure that if they’re old enough to understand what was just said, that they haven’t been hurt or confused in any way. Reassure them of your love for them and their permanent spot in your family. That way you know your child won’t be negatively affected, no matter what nosy questions are asked.

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Being an adoptive family, like any other family, has similarities to every other family. We all have our own personalities. One kid wants cereal and another kid wants pancakes. Both lose their shoes, can’t find the remote even though it’s been in the same spot for five years, fight over the iPad, and complain about chores.

Adoption has the dimension of connection — not only to your own tribe, but beyond, widening the scope of what constitutes love, ties and family. It is a larger embrace. By adopting, we stretch past our immediate circles and, by reaching out, find an unexpected sense of belonging with others.” — Isabella Rossellini

But, there are also differences. Adoption is a beautiful thing. It is also borne of great loss. A child loses their roots and is asked to assimilate into a new family culture. They may look markedly different from their parents; they may speak a different language because they come from a different country. These and many other things can have a profound impact on the family unit.

Being an adoptive family means that you have gone through more background checks, home checks, classes, questionnaires, and scrutiny than anyone could think possible. You learn about situations that no child should have to live through, and you grieve over things that you cannot fix with a kiss and a hug.

You learn that your child may have unique issues. My son would cry for hours in daycare. He was terrified that I may never come back again. My daughter clung to me and screamed when I would put her down. Both of my kids have PTSD. They’ve both had to have therapeutic intervention to help them. I’ve comforted them for things that they think are their fault. If my son wouldn’t have cried, he could have stayed with his biological mother. Being an adoptive family means that sometimes your heart is ripped out and stomped on.

Being an adoptive family means that you are an advocate for your child and their unique circumstances. It’s up to you to explain to school why a family tree project may not be a good idea. You also have to sometimes push doctors to think outside of the box. To tell strangers it’s NOT okay to ask about their “real family” or any circumstances surrounding the adoption if the child doesn’t want to talk about it.

Being an adoptive family also means that you are in it for the long haul. For the good days and the bad ones. You are a child’s refuge and safe place to fall. You are a family.

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Receiving the gift of a child is one of the greatest treasures ever known. The pure joy and rush of emotions is overwhelming when you hear that you’ve been chosen as a forever family for a child. But if you’ve chosen an open adoption, not only are you receiving the gift of a beautiful child, but also the possible gift of including the birth parents and their families as well.

Choosing an open adoption means you and your partner have decided you want to have an ongoing relationship with one or both of the birth parents and possibly their families. The option of an open adoption gives you and your child the opportunity to know their history in all senses of the word, and some might say, gives a better overall experience for your child as he/she grows to know his/her story firsthand. But there are some things that aren’t always shared about an open adoption, little details that stay behind the curtain, and those sometimes can be just as overwhelming if they come into play.

Trust

Not everyone who comes to your door should be given immediate trust; the same is true with an open adoption. With the rush of emotions surging through you, it can be easy to want to throw caution to the wind and forget to set important boundaries.

We have friends who were chosen as a forever family to a toddler with the stipulation from the birth mother that the relationship would remain open. With joy in their hearts and trust in their souls, they gladly welcomed the opportunity to become permanent parents to a foster child they’d come to love as their own. Because they’d been overly open with the birth mother about their financial situation, after the adoption was complete, every time that she needed money she came knocking on their door–regardless of time…day or night. Her persistence to pressure them into giving her anything she wanted because, in her mind she’d given them her child, soon became too involved and they had to change their relationship.

Healthy Boundaries

In our own case, we learned another few important lessons. One of the most difficult lessons for us was not knowing to set limitations. Once our birth mother knew she had our full attention, she would share inappropriate comments with us in front of our child that were shocking to our adult ears. They were in no way, shape, or form something a child of any age should hear.

Over time if she sensed stress in our relationship, she’d over-dramatize a situation hoping we’d rush to her side and shower her with affection and love. When we didn’t come running, she started stalking us. It eventually became a dangerous situation for our child and for both of us as adults.

Tension & Relationships

Another unexpected lesson we learned immediately was not everyone in the birth mother’s family was agreeable to being included. We wanted our child to know about her story, to know about her birth mother and how she came to choose us as her biological child’s forever family; the biological grandfather wanted nothing to do with us. Although we had hoped for a better reception from her family, we respected the choices her family made.

An open adoption might mean you’re only welcoming one or both birth parents into your lives, and you need to be okay with that fact. The reality of an open relationship doesn’t always look like the picture perfect scenario it does in your mind. Be aware of your relationship with whomever you welcome into your world and be willing to change your rules and limitations if the need arises.

Take your time to ease into the new relationship with the biological parents and their families–learn what they are like as people. Just because they’ve chosen you to raise their child as your own does not have to mean you owe them. Learn about them, who they are at their core, and how they’ve walked their journey to you. Don’t be too excited to share everything at once, it’s not a race, but it is an important decision in your life. Remember that it is up to you to protect you and your family in the best way.

Open adoption can bring an entire new perspective to your family and your adoptive child; it can be an incredible, warm and loving experience. Just be sure to realize your limitations, set firm ground rules, and stay firm. Welcome to parenthood…your life will now be forever better.

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